How the Jada Stole Christmas (Open)

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Ten Forward]

'What in the Nine Hells is it?' Jada asked slowly, arms crossed over her chest and feet apart, regarding the gaudy concoction with wary suspicion. These... things, and others like it, had been appearing all over the ship in the last day or so, and she was fairly sure they were, somehow, a security threat.

'Oh, I saw this at the Academy.' s'Metra offered, arriving behind her, curious and eager. But she was young and innocent, of course. And she was wearing a headband with projecting fake antlers that would be useless in a fight. Jada rolled her eyes. 'It's called a, um, Ex-mass Tree. It's part of an old Earthian custom, some kind of pagan winter solstice festival. The humans erect these Ex-mass Trees, burn Yule Logs, and hang up a kind of parasitic weed called mistletoe. I think they used to worship forests.'

'Waste of a perfectly good tree, if you ask me.' Jada, who'd not been asked, muttered anyway.

'It's replicated nowadays, of course.'

But Jada began plucking off the gleaming baubles and hauling off the choking ropes of tinsel, stuffing it all in a sack she'd brought for the occasion. 'I don't think this much tinsel is good for anyone, do you?' By now, she'd exposed the fresh green coniferous tree beneath.  'There! Good green natural beauty, the way it should be.' And an Orion could attest to that.

[Solluk]

Ten-Forward

"Well," Solluk said as he stepped into the lounge and overheard the last remark, "far be it from me to reject natural green beauty." He walked up beside her, "But I do have some insight into this occasion thanks to my terran roommates at the academy.  One was a Jewish celebrant, oddly enough.  Though by the mid 21st century, many of Earth's people were already enjoying the holiday in a secular fashion, irrespective of its original religious connotation."

He held up an ornament he'd constructed by hand, which consisted of a miniature Vulcan polearm crossed with a miniature Orion machete, welded together under the words 'Emerald Arts - 1st Anniversary,' which had been formed from gold wire.   Although Solluk had taken a break from teaching martial arts during his Engineering and Officer Candidacy training, he had finally resumed their joint classes recently.  One student had dubbed the class an 'Emerald Arts' class, apparently because of the green qualities Orions and Vulcans shared.  (Though Orions were much greener on the outside.)   Rather than take umbrage at the nickname for the class, Solluk had chosen to embrace it.  Jada had been a positive influence on his sense of humor.

"Cadet Wallowitz often hung tiny Menorahs on his small tree, but he also hung other items of special personal significance.  Ornaments containing photos of family.  Others with pressed ticket stubs under small, round transparent-aluminum plates.  Those, from Operas he had enjoyed and attended with his fiance'."   Ticket stubs were themselves a quaint nod to ancient tradition.  They had long since become irrelevant, but now were sometimes used as keepsakes for certain functions people felt the sentimental need to commemorate.

"When I heard that this tree was being put on display, I decided to manufacture a small ornamental token of our martial-arts classes.  This holiday is so close to our anniversary.  I often think pleasantly of the classes we've taught, and the vigorous practice sessions we have shared afterwards, usually resulting with you on top of me."

[James H. Hawk]

Ten Forward

James had heard about s'Metra apparently setting up some Christmas decorations in the Ten Forward bar. Being Christmas time, James decided to take a break from the Personel Files, Disiplinary Reports, Sector Intelligence Reports, Mission Reports and all the other paperwork he had to look through. It would still be there when he got back, he convinced himself he could afford to enjoy himself for a bit. Besides, Christmas was always something his family found special. It was always his mothers favorite time of year.

James entered the bar, wearing a simple, but neat dark blue collared shirt. Unfortunetly he happened to enter the bar just as Solluk was speaking...

"I often think pleasantly of the classes we've taught, and the vigorous practice sessions we have shared afterwards, usually resulting with you on top of me."

"Hello, Lieutenant. How are you this evening?" James said with a smile as he appeared behind Solluk. He was wondering how the Vulcan would respond.

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Ten Forward]

A bit stunned by the exchange, s'Metra glanced  between Jada and Solluk. She'd been attending the martial arts classes to learn traditional Orion knife arts for her cousin, but apparently she was missing out on something gossip-worthy.

Reaching out to take the ornament, Jada regarded the little crossed weapons with a begrudging smile. Which she then clamped down hard on, and tossed it in her sack with the rest of the baubles and candy-canes. 'Oh no, don't you start. If we lose gravity or get torpedoed by Jem'Hadar, all this will be flying about, getting in the way. Pine needles in the vents, baubles exploding, tinsel scattering phaser beams. Total safety hazard.' she grumped. She turned to see Commander Hawk had joined them. 'This is going to be an ex-Ex-mass, sir.'

[Solluk]

USS Tempest, Ten Forward

Solluk nearly jumped when the Commander appeared.  "Sir!"  He cleared his throat, "I am well, Sir.  Jada and I were having a conversation about decorating..."  He trailed off, deciding that the Commander might not consider such minor things a matter of consequence.

Though he did turn to Jada and say in a low tone, "In my professional opinion as Chief Engineer, the danger to the ship is minimal... and the danger to morale in confiscating such decorations is much more substantial."   Where was a ship's counselor when you needed one?

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Ten Forward]

'This is a military ship, Mister Solluk.' Jada answered curtly. 'It's about time we had some discipline and austerity around here, to build strength and character. Not all this... gimcrackery.' She pulled the glittery star off the top of the tree and dropped it in her sack with glee. She'd left behind a bare green Christmas tree, its shape clearly revealed.

'Come on, s'Metra.' she beckoned, marching toward the door.

'Where are we going?' s'Metra wondered, wandering after her cousin, still wearing the cute antlers headband.

'We're going to extinguish Ex-mass!'

[James H. Hawk]

USS Tempest - Ten Forward

"And 'ex-ex-mass'?" James replied back to Jada with a raised eyebrow worthy of a Vulcan, though he also had a grin on his face something certianly not worthy of a Vulcan.

He then turned to Solluk who had come up with some explaination for what James had walked in to hear. Of course James didn't believe the explanation. As XO one of his duties was discipline so he had heard plenty of creative, and some not so creative excuses for any number of things.

"Of course, what else would you be talking about?" he replied with a tone that approached cheerfulness with a slight touch of sarcasam. "And Solluk...I'm not in my uniform, I'm off duty and finally free from paperwork," he said, "...well I'm not, I'm just choosing to desert from paperwork..." he mumbled before getting to his point, the famous "Don't call me sir cliche", "You can call me James. Believe it or not I do have a name. I almost forget it sometimes seeing as everyone calls me sir," he joked.

He then noticed Jada remove the star from the tree and take s'Metra away. "Jada, please don't send the poor Cadet to the brig...remember, she technically outranks you," James teased.

Once she was gone, he turned to Solluk. "Right, well....Jada doesn't seem to appreciate Christmas and what it stands for...or rather what it came to stand for...anyway, I'm not going to let Jada steal Christmas. Have you heard of the old Earth book, and later film, called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? , he asked, "Its about a creature, an appropriately coloured green one, that is rather grumpy and solitary and so it tries to ruin Christmas by stealing decorations and things, a bit like Jada is doing. In the book though, everyone still celebrates Christmas anyway despite the Grinch's best efforts," James explained. It had been quite some years since he'd read that book. "We're going to celebrate Christmas despite of Jada's efforts, nay, we're going to throw the best Christmas celebration Starfleets ever seen," he declared. This sounded like fun...until James remembered he had no idea how to plan parties.

[Solluk]

Ten Forward

Despite Solluk's experience with Terrans at the academy, he had somehow never heard of the 'grinch' nor was he quite sure how one could steal a Holiday, though Jada certainly seemed to be trying.  No doubt she hoped to sell some of the decorative baubles to a Ferengi merchant or Orion curiosities trader at their next port of call.  Even the Shelliak Corporate had been known to speculate on the value of cultural artifacts... though doing business with them was a rather tedious affair involving multi-page contracts.

"Yes, S-" Solluk stopped himself and then awkwardly finished, "Sjames."  That felt five kinds of wrong.  Rather like calling a King 'buddy.'

"I fear the departure of our last Chief Engineer and his family has left us with a void in the party-planning department.  I do not even know who the current Ten-Forward manager and morale officer is..."  He glanced around, as if someone in the staff might leap out and claim the position.

"Perhaps we could supplement the tree with additional Winter holiday celebrations from multiple cultures.  A kind of... of...  He struggled to remember the correct word, usually associated with a different Terran holiday.  He needed to refresh his memory exercises.  He'd let his memory discipline become lax since finishing his Engineering exams.

"Cornucopia!" Ha.  He still had it.  "Of celebratory whimsy."

He searched his memory, "I believe the Tellarites have a feasting day during their Winter period.  On Vulcan, we once celebrated the Rumarie.   The Klingon Kot'Baval isn't far from this time of year, typically occurring during the late Fall.   And the Deltans have a large celebration during their Winter period involving..."  He trailed off.

"...Perhaps the Deltan celebration might interfere with proper ship's decorum..."

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Corridors]

'I outrank you?' s'Metra asked, with realisation bordering on glee.

Jada's answer was a dark look. 'Hardly. Starfleet is a meritocracy, so experience, leadership, and skill can stand above rank or commission. Besides, I'm older and my father is older than your father, so I'll always outrank you, Little Cousin.' she corrected her pompously.

[USS Tempest, Security Office]

Jada burst into the security office, surprising Crewman Park, who was currently lounging on duty. He'd been listening to... something atrocious. Jada and even s'Metra winced, clapping their green hands over their green ears at the infernal racket filling the room. 'Noise noise noise! What is that rubbish?

'Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You". It's traditional...'

'Off!' I don't want a lot forÁ¢â,¬" 'No, computer, play Pirates of Fate.' The sounds of classical Orion warp metal arose, discordant strains echoing off the walls. 'Much better.'

Jada found a miniature Christmas tree on the desk, and unceremoniously dumped it in her sack. 'ButÁ¢â,¬"'

'With the rising threat of the Dominion, we need to keep up with the Jem'Hadar, as well as the Dosi and other GQ powers. No more slacking off. We're having a three-day survival training simulation on the holodeck, beginning tonight. Please make the announcement.'

'But Chief, it's Christmas...'

'It'll be in the Thiratin jungles, you'll find plenty of trees there.'

Behind her, s'Metra could only give a helpless shrug.

[Jus'draal]

[Corridor outside Cadet Jus'draal's Quarters]

Jus'draal had been preparing for the celebration of the Kot'Baval all day, she had only had one duty shift today, though was currently on call for the current one, so she as in uniform still.  Later she would change into traditional aror for her reenactment of the single combat between Kaless the Unforgettable, played by her, against Molor, the Tyrant.  She was planning ona replicated feast of gagh or targh tlq if she were lucky and maybe even open up that bottle of joq'tluth her grandmother had sent to her.  The current shift was lmost over when she heard the news of the advanced training exercise now scheduled for tonight.  She nearly kicked the wall.  This would mean cancelling her Feast Day.  Since it was only her celebrating it it seemed ot so bad, but it still was annoying.  Who was the Grinch who was making today, Christmas, a training day?

The angry Klingon would hve words for whomever it was.  She hoped tey would be at this... exercise.  Itsounded lke survivl training, Jus'draal resolved to take her bat'leth and mek'leth with her, she had them out anyway...

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Shipwide]

'Chief Jada to all hands. This is a Security alert. It has come to my attention that a crazed extra-dimensional entity named "Santa Claus", a.k.a. "Father Christmas", a.k.a. "Kris Kringle" has intentions to infiltrate the USS Tempest tonight, in contravention of Starfleet regulations and ship's safeguards, not to mention fundamental physics. On this ship, we obey the law of conservation of mass, not ex-Mass.'

'Suspect is reported to fly a small sled-like spaceship pulled by eight horned beasts, capable of warp 10 and time travel, so long-range sensors will be at maximum and shields will remain raised. Be on the lookout for a fat bastard in a red suit with white beard, possibly laughing. This "Santa Claus" will attempt to leave unidentified packages under trees and in stockings, so bomb squads and transporters will remain on standby for safe disposal. Coniferous trees, tinsel, baubles, mistletoe, and other kitsch are banned to discourage the entity. Lights will be taken away for diagnostics. Have a nice day.''

[USS Tempest, Office]

The Jeffries tube hatched popped open, and Jada slithered out, cunningly disguised in a red jacket with furry white trim, with a red floppy hat with pom-pom. In her crusade, certain things had been explained to her, and she'd only grown more appalled. The others might be taken in, under Santa Claus's spell, but she was not. She was determined to save her ship from him and his suspicious gifts and his immorality, and would go to any lengths to do it. It just wasn't right, giving things away for free with no thought of receiving goods or services in kind, it went against everything the Orions believed in and the laws of conservation of mass and energy besides. You don't get something for nothing, and there was no such thing as a free lunch.

She slunk about the room, expertly pinching the decorations and tossing them in her sack, until all the room was pleasantly bare. That left only the tree. It had to go.

It took only a little effort to uproot. It took a lot more to shove it into the Jeffries tube, to hammer it and ram it and curse all the while. But at last she had it, and she slammed the hatch shut.

This was going to be the worst Christmas ever!

[Jus'draal]

[USS Tempest | Operations Squad Room]

Jus'draal carefully set the Bat'leth down against the counter as she perused the duty assignments for the night.  She was rather enthused when she saw she had not drawn the Jungle Training assignment.  It cramped her Kot'Baval style.  But her face fell when she saw the next line of the roster.

"Transporter duty.... In Cargo Bay Three!?"

She punched the wall, succeeding onlyin causing a sharp but fleeting pain in her fist.  This was getting ridiculous.  There were going to be bombs transported onto the ship?  If we knew about this now whay were we just waiting for it to happen.  The best defense was a strong offense.  Someone should tell Tactical this was coming.  As well why wathe ship not on red alert?  Battle stations even!

Jus'draal bristled, someone should really see to these things in a proper manner, and she was just the Klingon to make tht happen.  She headed for the Bridge.

[Naga Rylu]

[Science bay, deck 7]

Naga lifted her head and flicked her tongue, lights on her sweater flashing and flickering gaudily.  She was helping Franklin gather his brightly colored packages to carry them down to Ten-forward after putting the final touches on several of them.    "... What the what now?"  The young man frowned, wearing a complete (If slender) Santa suit.  "Jada's declared war on Christmas?"

"This does not sound like a visit from the spirit of jollity celebrating the birth of a diety.  Perhaps a new enemy has taken the guise of your Santa?"  The seven and a half foot tall reptilian woman suggested, swiveling her head back to look at the disguised man.

He still smelled mostly the same (Except he'd been 'baking' and now smelled of little wafer-things called Sugar Cookies that were sweet and of odd texture, and Gingerbread men, which were strange baked effigies of enemies and eaten with gusto.  As far as she could tell.), but she understood that human noses weren't as good as Gorn senses, so the disguise of a white wig, garish red clothes, a white beard, and face paint might confuse them.  Hopefully, her presence would help them not be too intimidated by the stranger, given Jada's announcement.

"Nooo, I don't think that's the case."  He said as he looked up and down the hall.  "I think we should proceed with all haste, Chief.  Let's go, Hohoho!"  He said, hefting his own package before setting off towards the lift.

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Corridors]

Jada stole through the corridors of the sleeping ship, her boots making not a sound on the carpeted deck. Her sack full of ill-gotten loot bounced heavily at her back, full of all kinds of treasures and treats. This was it, she thought with glee, this was what it was to be an Orion pirate of the days of old, winning riches through her wits and the sweat of her back, through good old-fashioned theft. Thus she would teach the lazy humans the true meaning of fair exchanges of goods and labour and money.

'I don't think they're going to be very happy, you know, cousin.' s'Metra whispered, sneakering along behind her cousin.

'It's better for them in the long run.' Jada returned with a grunt as she hefted the heavy sack. 'Besides, you know how the legend goes.'

Drawing in her breath, s'Metra recited the disturbing words. 'You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claws is coming to town.' A chill seemed to go down their backs.

'He's making a list. And checking it twice. Gonna find out who's naughty and nice. Santa Claws is coming to town.' she shuddered.

'He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. So be good for goodness sake! O! You better watch out! You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why. Santa Claws is coming.' s'Metra gasped.

'Santa Claws is coming.'

'Santa Claws is coming to town.'

Jada was grim and resolved. 'And this monster dies tonight.'

[USS Tempest, Cargo Bay]

At last, they'd stolen all the Christmassy things they could find, and deposited them in a disused cargo bay. They'd even made an effort to decorate, hanging tinsel around the walls and putting up a now rather bent out of shape Christmas tree. It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas again. Surely, if Santa Claws was going to appear anywhere, it would be right here, where the tinsel was, where the trees were. And Jada was ready and waiting. They dimmed the lights.

Then, as the clock struck midnight, a cold wind blew and the deck shuddered.

'Ho.'

'Ho.'

'Ho.'

Then, amidst a column of tinkling sparkling lights that indicating a transporter beam, Santa Claws appeared.

[Jada]

[USS Tempest, Cargo Bay]

Jada dove and rolled across the deck amidst a hail of blaster bolts, taking cover behind a well-placed Christmas tree. They'd prepared the battlefield well. But Jada hadn't known the shape of her foe or what tactic. 's'Metra, I need a weapon!'

'Knife?' s'Metra said, in between hurling baubles at the Santa.

'Too small! And you know I already got some.' Jada ducked and ran behind a stack of presents.

'Machete?'

'It's made of metal. Nothing to cut. What else have you got?'

s'Metra looked hurriedly about at what they had ready, and returned uncertainly 'You're not going to like it.'

A festive grenade went off. 'I think I will!'

'I really think you won't.'

'I really don't care!'

s'Metra threw her an oversized novelty candy cane. Jada caught it. 'What else have you got?'

There was no time; Santa Claws came for her with the Santa Claws with Real Gripping Action! He attacked ferociously, Jada dodging and evading the deadly claws. 'Ho! Ho! Ho! Someone's a been a bad girl!'

'Damn right I've been!' With a mighty sweep, Jada swung the candy cane for Santa's steel-toed boots, the hook catching his ankles, Jada yanked him right off his heels, slamming him bodily into the deck. She rotated the cane, then thrust the end down, staving in his bearded face in an explosion of sparking electronics.

Jada planted her combat boot on his chest, and pulled the cane out. She licked it. 'Ugh, I hate mint.'

s'Metra emerged from her cover, asking fearfully 'Is it over?'

'For another year, cousin. For another year.'

*

Come Christmas morning, they'd gotten the cargo bay tidied and redecorated, much of the damage repaired or at least concealed by adornments, and they'd even hidden the robotic corpse, just in time for an angry mob to arrive looking for those who'd stolen Christmas.

And they found two Orion women waiting, s'Metra in red and white-fur-trimmed dress over her natural green with antlers headband, Jada in a suit with an Orion's Belt (three stars across the waist, for those who knew their Earthian constellations) with mistletoe at her belt buckle. 'Surprise!' s'Metra blew a festive trumpet. 'Happy Orion Trolling Day!'