Personal Log- Alyssa Meadows

[Michael Ferdinand]

Personal Log Stardate: 72730.0

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually back. You know, I thought this would never happen. Not since my departure from the Churchill to....whatever that ship was with the admiral. Former admiral? Any rate, I guess you could say that I'm glad I got out when I did. I've had nothing but time, and with Stephen pretty much by my side 24/7, I can't say that it's been an easy ride. Parenthood hasn't necessarily been easy for me; what, with virtually no family and very little friends, attempting to find someone to watch him so I could have some me time had to have been harder than the time I managed to re-seize the Discovery with Trisha Xoran. Thank god I was finally able to track my brother down. Stephen is with him currently. More on that at another time.

I've only been on this ship for a little bit, and I have managed to get lost more times than I could count. It's been getting increasingly difficult to get to where I need to go on time. I can't tell if it's the computer, or if it's me, but I bet that any engineer would just say it was me. Figures.

I was cleared to take my medication with me from Earth. It should last me for about another month or two, give or take. I haven't had a chance to ask yet if anyone would be able to authorize its replication, but that's something that future Alyssa is going to have to worry about. As far as I'm concerned, I just need to get settled in and get to know the rest of the crew.

End log

[Michael Ferdinand]

Alyssa was sitting on her bed, a cool glass of scotch in her hand. It had been her fourth glass since she had gotten off of her shift, and she was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol kicking in. She took another sip, grunting at the burning sensation that went down past her throat, before placing the glass on the bedside table.

"Uhh. Personal log Stardate: 72744.8.

Well, I don't know anymore. I thought I did, but I don't. You know, just when things start to make sense, something else shows up to ruin the illusion of perfect sense."

She paused.

"I found something out recently that is bothering me. I don't think it's Starfleet's business, so I won't name what it is exactly, but I feel like I still need to talk about it. I have reached out to one of the few friends I have in hopes that I can find what I am looking for. It's just. It's hard, really hard, knowing that down in my core, I know this is true".

She stopped, reached for her glass, and downed the rest of her scotch, wiping off the excess from her lips before placing the glass down.

"These...I don't know what to call them: repressed memories? These memories keep coming back and they are not at all how I recalled those events previously. Like what in the hell is going on here? I think I need to see that counselor, Amynta, I think her name was. Ha! Me, going to a counselor because I was not a good enough counselor myself back in the day to realize my problems. Jesus this universe is full of irony."

Even though her glass was empty, she reached for it, hoping that there was a spare drop of scotch that she had previously missed. "I think I've started to pick up drinking again. I was never a heavy drinker, but I've found that I have been drinking a bit more than I am used to and I can already see the changes in my face."

Alyssa stopped at that. Her mind began to race about all the ill effects of alcohol and she realized that it would mess with her medication. Her eyes started watering. She couldn't go back down this path again, she had worked so hard to throw it all away, yet one thing lead to another, and she was not only back in the saddle, but this tine it felt like she was welded to it.

"What will my son think when he sees me?" she said very quietly. A tear began rolling down her face. "The only parent he's got and she can't even do that right. I'm a failure."

Alyssa sniveled for a moment. No. She had gone through too much to use that word. She had fought for so long to not be this sad and now she was crying? How pathetic. The more she thought about it, the anger she became. She threw her empty scotch glass against the wall with a yell. The sound of the glass shattering was somehow soothing to her.

"Computer, delete this log."

[Michael Ferdinand]

Personal Log Stardate 73539.4:

I haven't been taking my medication. I have been meaning to but every time my timer goes off for the next dosage, I've been too busy to get to it. Without the medication, my emotions get the better of me and the rage takes complete control. I feel completely powerless to stop it once it starts, and even if I do take my medication, there is still a small window of time that must be passed before I can be assured that it's working.

I've already seen the effects it has taken on the crew. Morale is down. They fear me. While some fear is good, I don't think this is normal. I need to have a talk with Trisha and T'Aco. There has to be an easier way to keep on my medication schedule.

End log.