Constance- Internal Reflections

[Constance Lafayette]

Constance sat alone in her bed at night, the darkness of her room isolating her. She was alone, like she always was- not really by desire but by necessity. In her mind she needed to remain aloof, detached, and some shining example of what others could aspire to. That made her feel like a trophy and she wondered if she was really putting on that coldness for the crew or as a barrier for her.

She felt like she had to hide herself from them. She had to appear like this giant, larger than life, always impassive caricature of a "Starfleet Captain". She wasn't an Archer or Kirk or Picard. She wasn't sure if she was even a "Captain Lafayette" most of the time. Her mask was cracking under pressure. She could recall specific instances of it and she didn't know if she could holder it together indefinitely. She wasn't some big bombastic personality. She was shy. She was introverted. She was... normal.

Despite "knowing" a lot- she never considered herself "smart". Sure, she was a good student and had learned some mnemonic devices for mastering her memory but beyond that- she wasn't special. She never understood why Admiral Newbery made her a Captain during the Klingon war. Was she some kind of "filler"- the only person with the credentials to man a new ship? She sort of thought so. It was not that she was some amazing officer coming up- she was just "next in line". In a lot of ways she'd loved being a Executive Officer more that a Captain as she now found herself in the uncomfortable position of having to make decisions for the lives of hundreds.

She had to be better, she thought to herself as she crossed her dark quarters in just a night slip to get some water. She ran her fingers though her hair and sipped at it, unconsciously flexing her left hand. What was she doing here? Why was she even trying this? She felt like she was just waiting for the floor to drop out under the Athena and the noose to jerk its neck stiff one last time.

Constance laid back down but couldn't sleep. She started up at the ceiling. She was not the Captain she expected but she'd have to keep up the facade long enough either to become the image she had in her head or die trying.