When Worlds Collide

[Beja]

Katra Station -  Deck 18 - Counselor's Office - After S1M6

"I think perhaps it would be good if you did. Toji has mind powers, as you know, and xe is struggling now to understand xir natural state. I think that you might be a good person for Toji to get support from in this," Beja suggested to Rayek. To her it was a logical fit for the two. She didn't have any personal experience with such things, and it wouldn't be fair to Toji to act like she did. Toji would have need for a person who could understand that struggle more fully, to be the best support in that manner.

Beja continued, "And because they are not part of the Federation or Starfleet, you don't have to worry about maintaining that need for a professional wall. You could really be a good friend to Toji. And Toji could be a real friend to you as well. Xe is an outsider trying to fit, and figure out xir place, which you are also doing to an extent as well."

She paused and took another sip of tea, while she allowed for the commander to think about the idea fully before responding. She knew that it was best to give a person time to process though ideas before any kind of answer or response could be given from them. Added to the fact that Rayek was already a bit leery about counseling sessions, and issues he had with them in the past. She didn't want to press anything too much, and force them to take a step backwards in the work they were doing together.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Cmdr Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Deck 18 - Counselor's office](couple of weeks after S1M9 - Prey)

Rayek stiffened slightly as Beja made mention of him supporting Toji with his mental powers, casually.

Beja obviously knew of his own abilities.  Rayek didn't know why but he'd assumed that was something that had been kept to just the CMO... but obviously not... maybe despite her promise not to read Judy's files, Beja had 'peeked'.   

He was about to come up with some excuse to get out of the idea... when Beja continued on strengthening her argument with a bit of logic... which he hated but couldn't deny.  Someone outside of the Chain of Command could be ideal friend materiel... if he were truly interested in making friends. 

He frowned in thought a moment.   Yet, after a moment he nodded slightly.  "I suppose I could re-introduce myself to him...  I mean them...?... xim?"  Rayek's frown deepened at his wording slip.  That Rayek was uncomfortable was evident.  One could easily assume he didn't have much first hand encounters with non-gendered individuals.

[Beja]

Katra Station -  Deck 18 - Counselor's Office - After S1M6

"Thank you commander. I appreciate your efforts in this and I know that Toji will as well. And the proper pronoun is xir," she offered to Rayek. She knew he hadn't meant anything negative by it. It can be strange to understand the Dord or any species that gender is defined in a different manner than what a person had in their own culture. That is one of the benefits of learning about other cultures, was expanding her own knowledge of those in the galaxy.

"I also want to reassure you that I've not looked in your records. I gave you my word, and I've kept to that," Beja explained to the commander. "When you were injured at the Thinkers' planetoid, I had been in charge of the medical area and sick bay. I had to look at your medical charts with helping to treat you with Doctor Moreno. I saw on the scans the chip you have. It is very similar to the one we had found in Toji. And I made the assumption that yours was there to function in the same manner as xirs."

Beja paused and took a sip of her tea, before she asked him, "Now is there anything that you would like to specifically talk about? These sessions are for you." Sure they might be mandated, but that didn't mean that the client couldn't have some autonomy with them. She never wanted people to feel powerless about the counseling. Her job was to help empower people.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Cmdr Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Deck 18 - Counselor's office](couple of weeks after S1M9 - Prey)

Rayek nodded at the correction and repeated it back in an attempt to remember it.  "Xir."

The word sounded odd to him but then it wasn't only the word that was odd but the concept it represented.  A being of neither gender was just as confusing to the Romulan as Ensign Fuller was with his...her... their having been labelled as having both.  Such things were just not named much less experienced in Romulan culture, or at least not the Romulan culture he'd grown up with. 

If a child were born having both reproductive systems, it would be seen as flawed and cast out - either killed outright or left to the slums where maybe some other outcast might attempt to nurture it past infancy but its chances of survival were slim.

Such an outlook was of course archaic to Federation thinking (and his own - now that he had the freedom to have an opinion on the subject without fear of going against the good of the Empire) but many concepts were still foreign.  Rayek was fully aware that regardless of any sort of mutation or malformation with any of their anticipated children - Elements forbid! -  he and Tess would do everything in their power to ensure their health and safety. Non-gendered, multi-gendered, transgendered... Rayek would accept his children however. 

Rayek's off-topics thoughts on children were cut short when the counselor seemed to have noticed his reaction earlier to her suggestion that he might be a good support for Toji in regards to their mind powers.  The counselor explained how she reasoned about his own powers from the inhibitor he was forced to use to keep those around him safe from being inadvertently infected with Pa'nar.

Rayek regarded the Klingon a moment before nodding his head once in acceptance. "Thank you for clarifying how you came to know.  I appreciate that I can trust your discretion on the matter."

He took a moment to take another sip of his tea as Beja questioned if he had anything specific to talk about.  He considered a moment.  He'd shared the one thing that mattered most to him.  He gave a slight shake of his head.  "Nothing specific comes to mind.  Perhaps, rather than discuss things that aren't bothering me, we could seek out Toji and you could assist in our reacquiantment.  I would prefer xe.." Rayek hesitated at the term hoping he was using the right one. "knows that my overtures of friendship are encouraged by you...  and not misconstrued in any other manner."

Rayek took another sip of his tea.  "Perhaps if I were to call on Toji now, you could give me pointers on how to improve my interaction?"

[Beja]

Katra Station -  Deck 18 - Counselor's Office - After S1M6

Honor was the foundation to any Klingon. Beja didn't expect others to understand it, but honor was everything to them. When she gave her word, she gave her word. It would be dishonorable to go back on that, ever. She already brought enough shame to the family, she didn't need to add to it, not if she could help it. She also knew that the commander was a bit paranoid. In time, perhaps he would learn that a word given, was a word given, and one Beja would never go back on. She wanted to make him comfortable, and to realize that the counselor's area was a place that was a non-judgmental area he could feel safe and secure. But that would come in time, this wasn't a race, but a journey for the commander to take in order to work out the issues that were too much for him to battle on his own.

Beja smiled and nodded over to him. It was a bit sweet to see the commander really taking the homework assignment seriously, and making a real effort to put himself out there. That was not an easy task to ask of a person, and from the tidbits he has given of his background, not at all an easy one for him. She gave him a lot of credit for it, and honestly wished others of her patients would be so enthused about tasks given to them.

"Of course, commander, but do remember, just be yourself. Toji, like you is in new territory. I will be happy to introduce the two of you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Be open to meeting Toji, and seeing how perhaps the two of you can actually end up helping one another," Beja answered the commander.

She'd be happy to help make the introduction, but she didn't think that it needed to be quite as serious as the commander was taking it. He just needed to breathe, and as silly as it might sound, enjoy the experience.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Cmdr Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Deck 18 - Counselor's office](couple of weeks after S1M9 - Prey)

Rayek had, with Beja overseeing, tried to contact Toji but the Dord former servant had been unavailable at the time.  What the Dord was doing at the time was a complete mystery to the Romulan but the fact remained that an alternate meeting time had to be selected for the following week.  The counseling session ended shortly after that.

[The following week](Just after the Wadi game incident: S1EP11)

The meeting between Beja, Toji and Rayek that had been arranged the week before was fast approaching and Rayek didn't know if he was up for any sort of socializing after what he'd done to Beja just days ago.  Despite the Klingon's acceptance of his apology, Rayek was still wracked with guilt.  He'd even arranged a counseling session with Miss Judy because of it but that was set for AFTER this social Toji get together that Rayek was certain he wasn't feeling up for.   

So it wasn't surprising that on the morning of the arranged meeting, Rayek sent a message to Beja canceling the counseling session/Toji meeting without explanation; yet with the instruction to reschedule the session and meeting in a couple of weeks. He would try again then.

[Beja]

USS Katra - Counseling Office


Counseling came with a fair set of challenges. Some people kept their appointments, and did them with diligence. Others always canceled and she never actually got to talk with the people. Beja knew that Rayek would show up for his counseling appointments now, and that there was no danger of him canceling. Not just because it was mandated, but also because it really was his last chance at getting his life back.

What concerned Beja the most was not Rayek canceling, but the fact that perhaps the life Rayek had wasn't what he actually needed or wanted. Perhaps it wasn't best for him to get that back? He had thrown it away so quickly and easily, that Beja wasn't sure if he truly understood what that meant in the grand scheme of things. That's why these counseling appointments would be so important and vital for him, he might not understand or realize that, but Beja did.

Beja made sure that the tea was nice and hot, and the sandwiches were arranged on the plate in a nice and neat pattern. She believed wholeheartedly in second chances. No one was beyond help or the opportunity to change. One of the wonderful things that people had was the ability to change, to develop, to grow. Rayek had the ability to do that, it would just be up to him to do so.

Beja believed in him. Tess believed in him. And she was sure Captain Solluk believed in him. None of that meant anything though. Rayek had to be the one to believe in himself, and that was going to be a difficult task, but one she was up to, if he was.

"Hello Rayek, it is good to see you again," Beja welcomed him into the room, Mon the sehlat cub was there as well, sitting quietly in his corner, the thumping of his tail showing his enjoyment of having more people around.

She waited for him to take a seat and then took one herself, she offered a cup of tea and a sandwich if he wanted, "So tell me, how are you feeling today?" It was always best to start a session off with an easy question, before they delved into the more difficult, and highly emotional part of the sessions. Easing people into the harder, challenging bits was always best.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Ensign Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Counselor Beja's office](8 weeks after Atrosian incident - mid April)

One of the stipulations of his reinstatement to active duty at his demoted level was mandatory counseling session.  Had there ever been a time when he hadn't required mandated session?  It seemed not for very long.  But there had been a lull since Miss Judy's retirement and with things having gone well in the past few months Rayek had previously rescheduled more than one meeting with Beja. 

He couldn't afford to do that now.  There was not any lower Rayek could go without losing his commission.. and while he did trust that Tess did love him enough to still remain with him if ever -  Elements forbid - that should ever happen, he could tell that another mistake such as this would diminish him in her estimation...  even more than the current situation already had.   He had kept Tess safe but at the cost of making himself the 'bad guy'.

Rayek had come to the realization afterwards, that the Atrosian incident had been one of life's tests.  A test to see if he could remain objective as an officer when Tess' life was in danger.  A test that he'd failed miserably at.  Rayek didn't know if there would ever come a time that he could pass such a test, nor if he ever wanted to if it meant that he couldn't protect her.   

He wasn't sure if Beja's counseling could help in any of this but he had found in the weeks since his release 4 weeks prior that... other than Tess, there had been no one he could talk to about any of this, so Rayek was actually looking forward to this counseling session though he had no illusions that it would be at all easy.

He chime at the door 2 minutes in advance of his scheduled time was answered and Rayek stepped in wearing his gold collared uniform and single pip. 

The first thing he noted was that she called him by name.   In their previous sessions she'd always referred to him by his rank.  Just as he called her by her title of Counselor.  The only other time he could recall her calling him by name was when she introduced him to Toji.   He wondered what prompted the change?  Was it mean to put him at ease on a more personal level? or was it just that she no longer needed to show him the respect owed a superior officer?   Was he supposed to also drop proper respect and refer to her as simply Beja?  No, especially as her junior now he couldn't do that.

Rayek offered a slight respectful bow toward the Klingon counselor. "Thank you, Counselor Beja.  I appreciate you taking the time to fit me in your busy schedule."

He took a seat opposite of where he anticipated she would sit, smiling slightly at the tea and sandwiches laid out between them.  A relaxing atmosphere to help put him at easy.   He accepted a cup of tea, knowing that to do otherwise would be rude. 

Her first question was anything but easy.  His day to day emotions were in such a turmoil of late... it seemed it changed from minute to minute.   

"I am managing to be mostly okay today." he answered truthfully. "Though there are a times when I am rather bitter over the situation..  times when I am angry... and resentful..  other times sad... and lost.  I keep hoping to wake up and find it to all be a bad dream."

[Beja]

USS Katra - Counseling Office

The both settled into their respective seats, and both had gotten a cup of tea, she put a little bit of sugar and some cream into hers. Beja took a sip and listened quietly while Rayek, still strange not to call him Commander, something that she was sure just as strange to him, answered her initial question of how he was doing.

"I am glad to hear you are doing okay today, But tell me who are you bitter, resentful, angry at when you feel those emotions?" Beja asked him, curious as to what the answer would be. She was unsure if he knew the answer to the question, which would be fine, no answer was still an answer, and oftentimes a much more accurate and powerful one.

Beja placed her teacup down, and waited to hear the answer, her PADD on her lap ready to take notes when needed. These counseling sessions held great importance for Rayek's future, and she took her role in that very seriously. She wanted him to be successful and happy, she wanted him to not just survive but thrive. The main issue was she wasn't sure if he wanted that, and that was what she hoped to find out in today's session.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Ensign Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Counselor Beja's office](8 weeks after Atrosian incident - mid April)

Damn, Beja certainly wasn't starting this session off light and easy.  He took a moment to consider so that he could answer as honestly as possible.  The obvious answer would be those in authority that judged his action inappropriate even while they ignored the fact that he had likely saved lives.  Lives that were important to him... more so than his own.  But he had known that they would judge him so even as he brushed Saalik aside to target the Atrosian ship that he knew - without empirical evidence - was going to follow through on their threat.

It was a stupid Federation policy to have to allow someone to attack you first before you are permitted to retaliate.   The threat of violence should be justification enough.   But Rayek had known the rules; had sworn to abide by Federation law and Starfleet regulations when he joined.  This was on him. 

No, it was himself he was upset at, not the Admirals that had granted him leniency for the crime he had committed.  He was angry and disappointment in himself that with all his training and experience, that the best that he could come up with to keep his wife and child safe was something that could have resulted in his being incarcerated for 10 yrs or more. 

"Myself.  I knew the potential consequences of my action, yet deemed it the best choice at the time, because I couldn't trust others enough to keep Tess - my family - safe.   I knew the Captain couldn't.  Not with having to allow them the opportunity to strike first.  In Starfleet, everyone's hands are tied until that first shot is fired.  I know this. 

Yes we have shields... but what if their weapons were more powerful than our shields?  What if concentrated fire could buckle them?  Last I knew my wife was with their target - the Etrosian. Despite my honest intention to not be overprotective of her... I couldn't sit back and wait for them to attack first." 

Rayek frowned, "I keep going over events, looking for what I missed, trying to see what I could have done differently to have avoided this all... but I am no good with what ifs ...  I always see the darkest path clearest."

[Beja]

USS Katra - Counseling Office

Beja listened while Rayek answered her question. She wasn't convinced yet that it was the actual truth, but she wasn't convinced yet that he even realized what that truth was. Her job was to help him discover that, and she had vowed to do just that for him. If he had any chance at all at being able to rebuild himself, then he would need to understand how he came to be destroyed.

She took another sip of tea before she placed the cup down on the table, "Why did you deem it to be the best choice? How did you come to that determination?" She was curious to see how he had jumped to that rash conclusion. Of course he hadn't seen it as rash, but everyone else did. And that was the problem, he wasn't really viewing the entire picture fully. It was like he had blinders on, or was only looking at it through a very small lens, and got bits and pieces of the view.

Beja would be better able to help him, once she could fully understand the mindset better. She had several opinions on it, and had of course already come up with a few theories. Now she had to test them out, and see which one(s) it was. The more information she had, the better she could help and support him. She wasn't sure if he was fully prepared for just how raw and emotional these counseling sessions were going to be, but it would be the only way to help him.

There was an old human saying, to understand happiness one had to know sadness. In order for him to really find contentment, he was going to have to know the opposite of that, turmoil. And there was no safer place than here in the walls of her office for him to do battle with those emotions, and to overcome the inner turmoil. Losing was not an option, there could only be victory.

[Rayek trLhoell]

Ensign Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Counselor Beja's office](8 weeks after Atrosian incident - mid April)

Rayek's frown from his earlier response deepened at Beja's questioning of his reasoning.  Asking 'how he came to his decision'.  Rayek knew it painted him in bad light that his decision had been based on keeping Tess and his child first and foremost safe but if this counseling process was to work he had to be honest.

"It was the best choice because it could end the battle before they could fire off a single shot.  No one needed to be harmed. My goal was to stop their threat before it could begin.  That would keep Tess safest." he admitted, continuing on to answer how he came up with that decision.  "Prior, it had been pointed out to me that the Atrosian's weaponry was powerful enough that one concentrated hit to the Healy's shields and that would be pretty much its' limit - the shield would buckle and we'd be vulnerable.  A review of our standard ship's phasers - the only viable option in such close quarters to the station - showed that because it's armor like plating it would take a prolonged battle to result in any significant damage.  Evasive maneuvering in close proximity to the station would be difficult and we would run the risk of friendly fire - since it was unlikely the ship would follow us away as it was the station they would be targeting most to get to the Etrosian.  Not to mention that this was just the technology they allowed us to see.  Who knew what other tricks -  new and unfamiliar - they might have?"

"When I read how effective the duonetic lance was likely to be cutting through the Atrosian's ships armour - which is where most of our phaser damage would have been muted - it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.  A surgical strike - much like how you freed the Ooroyoyan, is what I was intending... but then the Atrosian's issued their ultimatum and ... "

Rayek paused grimacing... "I reacted.  Cause I knew the Captain couldn't or rather wouldn't.  He would follow protocol, play the diplomat and let them attack first.   I couldn't.  I put the safety of my family first above my duty, despite having assured Tess I wouldn't be so over-protective again." 

That more than anything else, bothered Rayek.  He'd made a promise to Tess, to make efforts to not be so over-protective... yet had made that promise into a lie with his actions.   With a means to stop the battle before it could truly begin Rayek hadn't paused even a moment to think that perhaps he shouldn't do this. 

[Beja]

USS Katra - Counseling Office

Beja wasn't sure if Rayek was lying to her or himself. He hadn't lied to her before that she had known of in any of the past counseling sessions, so perhaps it was just that he had told this answer to himself so many times that he actually believed it to be true. She had known that these counseling sessions were going to be painful for him, she hoped that he was up for the work that was going to be required. He appeared to be really dedicated to doing the work required though and she had total faith that he could and would rise to the occasion. And he would end up better for it.

"Let's pause for a second here, and we will come back to this alright?" Beja then asked him, "Now you are aware that crewman Jada punched Admiral Rogr correct? Of course at the time, no one knew that had taken place, but we do now. What do you think of that action that she took?"

Beja was curious to see what his thoughts were on that action. Sure, most people probably wanted to punch the admiral, most likely even the Captain himself. Yet, none of them had done it, with the exception of Jada. As Jada's previous department head she wanted to know what Rayek thought of those actions. How would he react if he was still in charge of Jada? Would he have done as the Captain did? Or would he have dealt with that in a different manner?

[Rayek trLhoell]

Ensign Rayek tr'Lhoell
[Katra Station - Counselor Beja's office](8 weeks after Atrosian incident - mid April)

'Let's pause for a second' that was a direct quote from Miss Judy and usually it meant that he'd answered something inappropriately and was about to be lectured.  Rayek frowned expecting the worst even as he reviewed what he'd said that could be problematic.  But that was difficult to ascertain because his entire action was problematic.. but Beja already knew that and it was why he had to go through these counseling sessions. 

However, Beja didn't lecture him, instead she pointed out Jada's misconduct and the questioned him about what he thought about it.   Rayek blinked at that. Was she comparing his action to that assault?  His frown deepened and he felt the need to rectify that erroneous notion.

"Her action was inappropriate and served no purpose other than to satisfy herself.  It likely was the final nail in the coffin of the already dead diplomatic relations with the Atrosians.  If you are comparing my action with hers... you are way off base counselor.  I accept that I am guilty of disobeying a direct order and ignoring Federation policy, but I did not do it heedlessly or without recognition of the seriousness of what I was doing and I certainly didn't do it just to lash out at someone who had ideas contrary to my own." he answered upset that Beja might think Rayek had been acting selfishly.

Rayek knew he should probably stop there but these sessions were intended to counsel him and his next statement was key to pretty much everything.   "The Atrosians with weapons powered at battle readiness, threatened to destroy what we would not give them.  The Etrosian - who was on the station."

Rayek continued his voice raising a bit in his frustration at the situation, "It was tactically sound to strike first.  It just is not a tactic that the Federation approves of.  Well counselor, my family, my friends... hell even the civilians I do not know personally.. they are deserving of being protected from threats just as much as actually attacks!" 

[Beja]

USS Katra - Counseling Offices

Beja patiently waited while Rayek worked through the emotional turmoil that he was obviously going through. Or perhaps it was just obvious to her, as he appeared currently to be unaware of the core issues he was actually fighting against. His voice rose as he ended up shouting at her the most profound words that he had ever said in one of their counseling sessions.

'They are deserving of being protected from threats just as much as actual attacks'

He had just admitted that he had punched the admiral in the face, just like Jada had done. The only problem was Rayek hadn't yet made that connection but Beja was confident that he would eventually get there. She remained calm as always, and still held the friendly countenance that she normally had.

"Ensign," Beja gently responded to him, "I will ask you again, how did you determine that your action was the best one to take. What were the other actions you had available to you, that you disregarded? Why did you disregard them? Why did you opt to throw a punch at someone who had not thrown any punches at you, when you were ordered not to do so? Was this really a problem with only one solution?"