Personal Log: K'lizh

[Klizh]

Upon our return to the ship after our sudden abduction, I have undergone treatment for heat exhaustion and dehydration. The climate we were stranded in was warmer than the hotter summer days in my home district, and I fear I did not cope as well in the situation that my human crewmates.

Though I am aware Starfleet Command are privvy to these logs, I am still going to voice some of my personal concerns, as I doubt the inner thoughts of a lowly ensign still fresh out of the Academy are of any concern to them. So I will speak them now, in the hopes of dealing with these emotions from my belly.

I am beginning to... have doubts that I am "cut out" for Starfleet. That I am good enough. Though I have dreamed about this life since I was a child, it is nothing like I expected. Trials and crises I expected, yes. But I also thought I would be able to cope better. In my first battle, I gave in to fear and clawed a Klingon's eyes out. Both times I have been planetside, I came dangerously close to loosing consciousness, albeit for different causes. And then there was the loss of composure right in the middle of the bridge upon our return...

It is not a matter of pride. But if I continue to become a liability, perhaps it would be in the crew's best interest if I were to resign and return to the life on Cait my parents have planned for me. Take a mate, give her children, and become just another faceless name in the chain of my family's heredity.

Also, it is not just the external problems I must deal with. Since my first day in the Academy, I have been dealing with an endless parade of "cat" jokes from humans. Just because their planet has a lower life form that bares some slight resemblance to my people, they think it's funny and clever to make endless comparisons. I wonder how a human would feel if every Caitian they met compared them to a t'gethi, a hairless, monkey-like creature domesticated for the harvest of its eggs? I'm almost certain most would take offense to it. Perhaps I should speak to the other Caitians on board and see if they are just as weary of it as I.

As of yet... I have not made my decision. As I cannot hide from the Captain, I have chosen to seek her out and own up to my mistakes. Perhaps she can help me decide whether or not I have a place aboard the ship of my dreams.

[Klizh]

Barren lands, I do not know how to describe recent events. A future Tempest manned by the crew's decedents showed up to ensure we would be marooned in the past to protect their existence. But in so doing, they warned us of what was to come and prevent ourselves from being sent back in time.

Had they left us alone, we no doubt would have completed the cycle and been sent back in time. So did they destroy themselves? And their attack on us was completely irrational. Did no Vulcans survive the crash? And yet another ship from the far future abducted them to try them for crimes against time. Does that mean their existence is assured? But we have not gone back in time to sire them. I need to stop thinking about this before I get a another headache.

Whatever this outcome is, I am thankful to be alive. My scans revealed several Caitians aboard that ship, but I am not the only member of my species aboard that ship. I have my doubts about my survival in that timeline. And even if I had survived, it would not have been a quality life. I did not join Starfleet so I could colonize some barren world. I want to see the stars, and I have barely been out here for any span of time.

This experience has left the entire crew understandably perturbed. Hopefully we can put it all behind us soon.