Personal Log - Alexander Wu

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 67988.7

This is my first log entry since leaving survival school, and I thought I'd take advantage of the guest quarters they have here on base. I have a feeling that the accommodations onboard my new posting won't be quite as...private. It's quite funny really, the things recruiters tell you when you first enlist and what really awaits after you thumb the PADD. Guess I should've focused more on school when I was younger instead of Catherine. I wonder whatever happened to her...

Ah well, who am I to complain...been in for almost two years now, I guess I should just be happy that I've finally finished the training process and got a ship. Lots of my course have found themselves posted planetside or on distant starbases. No doubt they'll start their first couple years doing inventory and resource management, if the scuttlebutt we heard throughout training is true. At least onboard a ship, I'll be more of a specialty trade. Maybe I'll even get to go out once in a while.

I know it's a bit convoluted, hoping that someone else would need rescuing, but what can I say...that's what I do, and that's what I signed up for. The Gibson's a Nova class, small scout and survey design. I managed to get ahold some of the records for pre-reading. With only two type 9s, two pods, and limited space onboard, I don't reckon I'll be doing alot of search and rescue jobs...from what my assigning officer told me, I'll probably be rolled into working shifts at the helm. Better brush up on my basic flight, it's been a while.

Asides from all that, I was happy to talk to Suz earlier today...my departure from Earth wasn't all that amicable. She seems better now, but I hope that someday she'll understand why I'm doing this. Hell, I hope that someday I'll understand. From the couple conversations I had with the training centre's counselor...well that's all on record already. He mentioned that he might send my files to my new ship's counselor, incase I still want to talk to someone. Still haven't decided if I want to yet...not really a place I want to visit again. Happy thoughts...

How long have I been talking to myself? --Log Entry Current Duration: 7 Minutes, 24 Seconds-- Nevermind computer, I was being rhetorical. It must be odd, being the computer...I guess one could almost relate to it as a best friend. I mean, it sits there, listens, takes in whatever's thrown at it, and never offers anything judgmental in return. Then again, one of the best qualities of a friend is that they'll offer advice and feedback. Someone could drive themselves crazy trying to psychoanalyze it. Gibson's got a small crew onboard, no doubt they'll be a tight family. I hope I'll be able to fit in alright. Anyways, Samuel is onboard the station too, he's also waiting for his ship to pull in. Got a couple minutes to get ready for that game of hockey he owes me. And, as usual, in case anything happens to me and my sister gets these logs...Love you Suz, and good night. Computer, end recording.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 67994.4

I should've been a counselor. Got a wave today from Biplop's ship, they were passing by close enough to the station for a few hours of two-way comm. Turns out he had already gotten wounded from an away mission...I know he was a klutz in basic, but that guy really does have the worse of luck. He caught part of a disruptor blast in the face, the damage was severe enough that he's lost most of his vision in one eye. With the technology today to still permanently lose his vision...he's lucky to be alive. In any case, he's been feeling pretty down. And he looks it too. This guy would be the first to volunteer for anything, loved to play sports, confident and outgoing. Now he's a completely different person, and I don't just mean physically. Just talking to him...it's like he's lost his mojo. It'll be months of counselling and physio before he'll be used to doing all he did before with the limited version but I really am worried about his mental state. I tried my best to boost his spirits, told him to start setting goals, achievable goals, and to slowly start going back to what he did before. That it'd be a long process for him to regain his confidence and spirit. It's too bad we couldn't have met face to face, I think it might have done him some good. Hopefully next time...

Back to my original thought...it's a strange feeling. It's like by listening to Bip and trying to help him out, I've helped myself in a way. After we closed the link, I felt completely at peace...haven't felt that way in a long time. Maybe that's why Susan decided to become a nurse...through helping others, maybe she's feeling the same kind of peace that I felt. Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. I mean, it's been fifteen years...more than enough time to get over it, right? Sometimes I wonder though...are they watching out there? Somewhere? Would they be proud of us, of what we've done...of what we've become...?

...damnit, computer, pause recording.

Computer, resume.

I worry about her. I can't not. For eight years when we were apart...every night before going to bed, I would look to the east, praying that wherever she was and whatever she was doing, she was happy, she was safe. I should hate our grandparents for keeping us apart...but I can't. -chuckles- I always thought the shrink didn't know what he was talking about, telling me that I had all this anger inside...maybe he was right. Maybe that's why I can't let anyone close to me, maybe that's why Catherine left...I'm just afraid that if I let anyone close enough, I might snap out and hurt them. Maybe that's why after all these years, after Suz and I could finally be together without the guilt of THAT day...maybe that's why I chose to leave. I just don't know anymore.

In other news, I think I shamed some of my Canadian ancestors...Samuel can play one mean game of hockey. We've got a rematch tomorrow, a bar of gold pressed latinum on the table this time. Guess that's the bright side of the Gibson before so far out. I hope she doesn't take too much time coming in though...I'm starting to have too much time to think. -sigh- Gotta keep busy. Sweet dreams Susan, love you. Computer, end recording.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68005.4

I've got my move orders! Apparently Gibson's been assigned another task before returning to Starbase. Since there's several of us now waiting for her to pull in, they're shipping us out on a runabout to rendezvous. Guess it'll make a nice training cruise. My stuff's all packed anyways, didn't actually put anything away...it's going to be nice not to live out of my kitbag again. The station's recrew section is pretty thorough, we've even got quarters assigned. Managed to get a doubles cabin, sharing with Crewman Edward Porth. Edward's a pretty nice guy, met with him earlier in the bar, played a couple rounds of pool. The other newbies seem decent too, I'm really looking forwards to starting this rotation with them. I just hope that my boss isn't a complete jerk.

Gotta run, the tender will be leaving soon. Oh, and I got even with Samuel. Ended up using up both bars of latinum buying rounds for our bon voyage party at O'Malley's, but it was worth it. Man, that was a fun night. Anyways, love you sis, and my next wave and log will be from the Gibson!

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68016.3

What have I gotten myself into? If there's anything I've learned the past few days, it's to not trust recruiters. I don't recall ever hearing about mind altering radiation or giant blue aliens gone crazy in the brochures. Then again, I never thought I'd be spending my first shift carrying around a vulcan - a very attractive woman, now that I think about it - or getting shot at by our own side. Man, it's been a weird. I almost punched the ship's counselor out too...I have a feeling she's going to be booked solid for a while, with everyone going crazy. I hope my OC doesn't hold me against the things I said while under the influence. Laughs. Otherwise I might be looking at a transfer pretty soon. Might be a record actually...I wonder if anyone's actually been transferred three days after their first posting.

In any case, as you can see...waves hand at the background...my quarters aren't that bad, for a ship this size. Can't complain about the food either, and the rest of my department seems to have welcomed me with open arms. They even gave me a shift on the bridge manning the helm! It was just eight hours of plotting minor course corrections, but it was still pretty neat. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forwards to the next mission. We're back at the starbase now, undergoing repairs and resupply, but we should be shipping out in a few days. I'm off to meet up with Samuel and the gang for another round at O'Malley's; might be our last chance to all get together, I don't think we'll be back here for a while. Have a great night there Suz, love you.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68019.1

I am drunk. That is all. Laughs.

I'm okay. I think I'm okay. Pauses.

They say time heals all...does it really? I mean, physical injuries, sure, so long as you don't lose a limb or something. But it seems like as the months and years roll by...the memories aren't fading. They're getting stronger, and it's getting harder and harder to put it out of my mind. Everyone deals with crap like this, why am I finding it so difficult to leave it all behind? Feels like no matter where I go...no matter where I run or what I do...the ghosts are following me. Damn monkeys, get off my back!

I need to control this. I don't know how much longer I can hold it together...when I was at the academy, I started to crack by the end. I thought my first posting would be better...a fresh slate. I just...I need to clear my head. Just one more. One more and I'll stop and then I can get some sleep.

I'll be okay. I have to be okay. Deep Sigh. Yeah, I'm okay.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68027.4

Well, my first mission onboard the Gibson is officially over, and we're back out again. I have to say, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. I guess there was no way I could've predicted some sort of illness which made everyone crazy, but still...I'm a little apprehensive. If one were to take the crew seriously, the folks who've been onboard for a while, you'd think this was the type of thing which happens all the time. I don't know if I want to be serving on a ship where this is a regular occurrence. I wanted excitement, I wanted adventure...I wanted to get away from home and experience something new. THIS is something new. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for it.

My LT seems to think I'm okay...he's put me on the same shift as himself, Alpha. It's probably just to keep an eye on me to make sure I don't do anything stupid, but he's barely around. Most of the time he's on the bridge flying the ship, and I've seen him once or twice off-duty. There's definitely a tension amongst the crew...I have a feeling that last little episode didn't make things any better. Alot of the senior officers seem to be pretty new transfers in as well. I'm not sure what's up with the command staff, but...I keep getting the feeling that the skipper has other things on her mind all the time. I can't say I'm 100% confident in her...she just seems to be always distracted. Scuttlebutt has it that she's involved with another captain deployed elsewhere, which would explain her mood. I don't know if I believe all the rumors, but if she doesn't want to be here...I just hope that when it hits the fan again, she'll have her head in the game.

In any case, I've been working in the shuttlebay mostly, trying to fix everything that we mucked up last week. The flight controls were relatively easy, the shuttles are just temperamental and will take a bit of time to coax back into shape. Another thing I didn't expect was to be working as an engineer...I bet one of those techs would have the shuttles running in no time, but they're too busy with the rest of the ship repairs. It'd be nice to have some company too. Like that lieutenant...-laughs- I jest, of course. An officer, and a Vulcan, no less? I haven't got a chance. It's nice to dream once in a while though...I've met a couple officers who've come up through the hawsehole, maybe someday I'll be able to drink from that cup.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves...after that last mission, they gave me my apprentices, I'm hoping to finish my skills package soon and get my full crewman. There's a long way to go, and who knows what will happen?

Two days dry. Let's make it three. I'm trying, Suz, wish me luck. Love you.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68133.4

Turns out I didn't have anything to worry about, haven't had time to hit the bars. We've been shot up pretty bad, and of course I was at the helm when it happened. No engines, no power...we're sitting on a hunk of rock. The only bright side seems to be that the ships that attacked us didn't follow us in. I don't know why they were blockading the planet, but the XO's sent an away team to pick up some supplies. I"m on my way to go get them now, seeing how we don't have transporters.

I don't know if I'm going to make it, sis. Seems like every time we've gone out, someone or something's trying to kill us. At least my first and possibly last off-ship mission will be one I actually trained for. Gotta get going now. Take care, Suz.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 68438.61

So it's been a while since I've last sent you a letter sis, sorry for the silence. It's been an eventful few months...I guess I'll start on the high notes. I got bumped up to PO2! Seems difficult to believe that not too long ago, I was a raw crewman myself...now I can barely believe that I looked like the recruits I'm meeting at the transporter pad and airlock.

Of course, being promoted comes with a price as always...they have me in charge of the night shift now. And most of us moved up because others moved out or died...it's been a tough couple of months. Seems like everywhere we go, we always end up getting shot at, outgunned and outmanned. Frankly, I'm getting tired of it. If we were a combat vessel...say an Akira, or even a Steamrunner class, I would say, to hell with it, let's go get 'em. You know I've never backed away from a challenge. But being on Gibson...she wasn't cut out for this work. We've barely escaped on occasions, and the stress is showing.

We lost eight crewmates during the last delegated mission...that's a tenth of our crew. We all knew those that had died, and...well, in the end, it was all for naught. The mission was a fraud, we ended up being laid up for weeks for repairs, and then flew around mapping and surveying planets for three months while we were using up whatever time she had left before a scheduled overhaul.

Damn me if I keep looking at the negatives. We got alot of replacements onboard, four new officers...even got ourselves a PO on loan from Discovery. I'm thinking of transferring over someday, maybe...knock on wood, I know it's not good to think so far ahead, but there's a vacant COB berth on that ship. I know Luke wants to stay right where he is, so not going to flip coins with him anytime soon.

In any case, I've got to go on shift soon, I'll talk to you soon, mei-mei. Love you, Suz.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate...

-Glass shattering, rapidly followed by a stream of muffled cursing-

"-Goddamn sonofa-"

-Several moments pass, the tinkle of glass shards being collected, the whine of a replicator activating repeatedly. Rummaging, bottles clinking.-

"Computer, what's the bloody date today?"

"Current Stardate 69138.77."

"Personal Log, Stardate...whatever it said. I'm leaving now. All the arrangements have been made. I don't think I'll be coming back."

-Pop. Quiet gurgling of liquid pouring rapidly. A minute of silence. Gurgling again. More silence. Faint remnants sloshing around an empty bottom. Dull clunk of something being set on a hard surface. Rummaging again.-

"Computer...set course. USS Gettysburg, warp 2."

"Course set, Sol system to USS Gettysburg. Awaiting instructions."

"Engage."

-Pop.-

"I wish I could have told you...goodbye...mei-mei. Goodbye."

[Alexander Wu]

-BEEPBEEPBEEP. BEEPBEEPBEEP.-

The relentless tone drilled deep through Alex's head, driving through his grogginess like a hot poker. Where the hell-

Confused and dazed, he finally managed to push the cobwebs aside, lurching upright from where he had passed out against the console face. It's not the proximity alert...No giant ship in sensor range. Scanning his instruments with blurry eyes, Alex finally spotted the flashing light on his communications screen. Safefta Pardek...USS Discovery? He knew she had left ol' Gibs, but lost track after her posting to Gettysburg. Assuming she was still onboard, it had been one of the only reasons why he'd agreed to the posting instead of the only other option offered. Now, it seemed all for naught.

Sighing deeply, Alex forced himself to stand, leaning against the bulkhead for support as the cabin slowly stabilized. A quick splash of water and change of clothes later, he was feeling considerably more alert and sat back down in his seat, mug in hand. "Computer, play message." Rolling a slug of sweetened tea around with his tongue in an effort to rid himself of the sour remnants from his prior night's ministrations, Alex watched as the screen lit up with a familiar face.

[Recorded message-  Video]

"Jolan'tru, Alex. I was surprised to come across your name on record the other day..." Safefta opened. "You appeared to 'drop off the radar' for a while. I thought I would send this message to see how you were doing. I am not one for knowing what to say in this sort of message, but I was happy to see that you were around again. Contact me back if you desire. Pardek out." The recording ended abruptly there. Safefta had never been one for talking too much.

The slight twitch at the corners of Alex's mouth ended as abruptly as Pardek's call, his gaze turning downwards towards the empty bottles scattered across his shuttlecraft's deckplate. As he spotted the glass sitting on the flight console, still half filled with a clear, amber liquid, he felt a sudden surge of remorsefulness, intermingled with self-disgust. Oh Saf...If only you knew.

Taking care to gather and recycle everything in the replicator, Alex placed the now empty glass in last, watching wistfully as it disappeared in a whirl of light and particles. I wish they had a replicator for everything else too. Ready to reply, he sat back down, checking his reflection in the blank display before recording. Hair's in place, uniform's proper...happy thoughts.

[Recorded Message - Video]

"Hi Saf," Alex opened with a smile, looking at the small camera lens. "I'm sorry for not calling sooner, I had gotten held up attending to some business on Earth which took-Gleaming oak casket, in a field of green-longer than expected.-Thock, Thock, Thock, Gavel on a block-I'm doing great, on my way back to the sector now. They've reassigned me to the Gettysburg-...Gibson COB...unfit...relieved of duty...-but I'm not sure for how long. Let me know how you're doing, hopefully we'll run into each other soon. Oh, and if you get a chance, please say hi to Archangel for me. I heard she was on Discovery as well. Take care there. Wu, out."

Ending with the same smile, Alex quickly reviewed his message, assuring himself that there hadn't been pauses as he spoke. "Computer, send message." he ordered, watching as the datastream filtered out, the monitor confirming his prompt. Closing his eyes and massaging his throbbing temples, Alex futilely tried to elude the images which had flashed through his mind just moments ago. Unconsciously shifting his foot against his kit bag, he startled at the sudden clinking sound. Starring into the unzipped opening, Alex hesitated only a moment before reaching in, his hand grasping for a now familiar shape.

One more won't hurt. One more, and it won't hurt.

[Alexander Wu]

Personal Log, Stardate 69674.76

It's been some time since I've accessed these log files...I'm surprised they still existed, to be honest. Ever since the Dominion attack on Earth, many of the hard backups had been lost or damaged, and some of my previous entries had been lost along with the ships that I served on. Thinking back, some of them probably deserved to be lost. They certainly wouldn't have helped me now.

It's been almost a year since that mission on Arizona. The one where, for me at least, everything was made well again. Everything was made whole. It wasn't real of course, all part of...trials, testing our worth. At the end though, the spherebuilders granted all of us a single wish, something that should have been impossible made real. It's been almost a year since Susan was brought back alive. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since.

I know, I know...it's foolish. Deep down, I know...my Susan's dead. She was killed years ago, a pointless death that meant absolutely nothing, and helped nobody. Ironic, seeing as how she was a nurse. She deserved to live a full, long life...and the spherebuilders brought her back. Not her, but...a copy of her. From my memories, and deepest desires. When they brought Susan back, I made sure that they wiped from her mind any memories of me, and our lives before...they never mentioned to me what they put in it's place. All we share now is a family name. I even made sure that I wouldn't be able to find her, to settle her somewhere she'd be...happy, on Earth. Problem solved. Susan was still alive, and it put my heart at ease...for a while.

But she's my sister. No one else will believe it, she probably won't either. She doesn't know, she doesn't have my memories. Our memories. I know I shouldn't, that it's a bad idea every way you look at it, but...I need to find her. I don't know how yet, but...I need to make sure she's alright.

I've managed to get a list of personnel transferring onboard at our next stop. It seems like a never-ending rotation, but there's some good news at least; Levinia's coming back onboard. She was with me on Arizona as well. She knows what we went through. If anything, someone to talk to at least. I would have spoken with Safefta, but...things have been strained since that last time I tried to kill her. Alien influence notwithstanding.

That's what I'll do then. Talk to Vinnie. She'll understand.

End log.